All donations of borderline, non-racist, relatively clean jokes will be gratefully received. Thank you to Angela, a regular contributor of the tasteless material you see here.
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"No, are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord, grant me one wish. "Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the LORD said.
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said "Please Lord build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I wish"
The Lord said "Your request is very materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me"
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord I wish that I could understand women, I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy".
The Lord said "Do want two or four lanes on that bridge?"
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!
"Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
I bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I gave her a big push and she fell over.
Wife by text to husband at work "Windows at home frozen - what should I do?
"Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"
Wife a few minutes later - "Done that, now computer won't work at all"
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sicko."