|All donations of borderline, non-racist, relatively clean jokes will be gratefully received.
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, what's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"
“For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"
"It's like talking to a f****** brick wall”.
A guy is driving around the back streets of Chippenham.
He sees a sign in front of an unkempt terraced house: 'Talking Dog For Sale', so he rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the garden.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there.
'Can you talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, '’Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.’
In no time at all they had me flying from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no-one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport, doing undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
‘Then I got married, had a load of puppies and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
'Ten quid,' the guy says.
'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a f----jng liar. He's never been out of the garden.'
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day; to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners?
'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
''Now; if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''
The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
A man in his hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth says "Nurse, are my testicles black?" The nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." The man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly, "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very, very carefully. "Are -my -test -re -sults -back?”
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker in Soho .
"Hey, how much you charge for the hour, sister?" He asks.
"£100," She replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"
"No" She says.
"I pay you £200 to do immigrant style."
"No," She says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you £300."
"No," She says.
"I pay you £400."
"No," She says.
So finally he says,
"OK, I pay £1,000 to do immigrant style."
"Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
"Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good.
So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies,
"You send bill to Government."
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘“Guess who?”’
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over the place. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. Then she said, ‘"Do whatever you want."’
So, Here I am.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
“God loves drunk people too you know.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got very nice house'
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."